Black Rock City
Department of Homeland Security
There is nothing festive about TERROR. It can strike in the hearts of all of us, at any time, anywhere. That is why the Burning Man LLC, in co-operation with the Pershing County Sheriff's Department has ordered by threat of imprisonment in a military prison with no access to an attorney, this year's Yahoo Education Pamphlet to print our contingency plan and awareness guide so we can all, Burners and Yahoos alike, be aware of the potential TERRORISTS in our midst.
A message from our Attorney General, Johnny Ashcroft:

Hey Burners! Me and George Dubya wish you a safe and happy Burn this year and we want you to be safe and happy and TERRORIST free. Here are some easy guidelines that even someone rolling on Ecstasy and LSD can remember.

We know that you care about your temporary city and the best thing a civilian can do is to be the eyes and ears of law enforcement.

  1. Be aware of people and things that are out of place and don't be afraid to be nosy.
  2. If you see a strange car or truck parked in your neighborhood, call the police.
  3. You might see a package left unattended under a bench in an urban area. If you do, don't disturb it. Tell a police officer.
  4. Also, do not let unusual situations go unreported. If you see a person around a utility pole at night, call the police.
Reprinted from the Official Homeland Security website. Really.

YOU can help prevent TERRORISM at BURNING MAN. Every year usurpers infiltrate past the HomeLand Security Screeners at the FRONT GATE and spread their own brand of INTIMIDATION and GENERAL UNPLEASANTNESS within our BRC gated community. The following list may help you help us identify and incarcerate these TERROR LOVING YAHOOS.

THE NARC

Our sources have identified the NARC as the greatest threat that strikes TERROR in the hearts of our freethinking, sometimes mind expanding citizens. The NARC is not your friend and if he can trick you, you will become part of a system that will steal everything you own, including your freedom. His supporters are a privatized corporate prison system and a corrupt government. He has been trained by fascist governmental groups to blend into the population, make loose ties with our citizens, then ask them to "get him something". This "something" can be firearms, LSD, Ecstasy or even "something" as harmless as marijuana. Believe it or not, marijuana is still illegal in most of the United Neanderthal States of America. Be vigilant and aware of the NARC's presence.

If you think you have one in your camp. report him immediately to your neighbors and never, under any circumstances, do any business of any kind with him.

THE GENERIC FRAT BOY YAHOO

We've all seen them. They would be Hitler Youth if they weren't Republicans already. The Frat Boy Yahoos have a propensity to drink too much bad beer, run around yelling "Show us your tits" and beat their small underdeveloped hairless chests. BRC tends to bring out the "wilder" side of these TERRORISTS and though they may resort to such petty offenses as verbally harassing women, destroying property and causing GENERAL UNPLEASANTNESS, they can become dangerous when in packs or when you are in a vulnerable situation with one of them.

Be aware of your surroundings and if you are female NEVER under any circumstances let them take you back to their RV.

VOYEUR VIDEOIST

This TERRORIST preys on unsuspecting women at BRC and hides like a coward inside his tent with his long distance lens to capture naked images of our citizens. He then sells videos for profit to THE GENERIC FRAT BOY YAHOO . The BRC Department of HomeLand Security has traced a money trail from the Video Voyeurs to a bunch of numb nut loser guys who are incapable of developing relationships with strong women so they depend on pornography to counteract their innate sense of inadequacy. Being a loser is fine, but when you steal images of our citizens and exploit us with Burning Man as a backdrop into something that is full of the stench of desperation, we feel that's out of line.

If you encounter one of these ASSHOLE TERRORISTS, report them to our SECURITY FORCE immediately.

THIEVES

Remember, Just One Yahoo can ruin it all. There have been MANY REPORTS of thievery at Burning Man. It is rumored that an entire group of these TERRORISTS come just for the night of the burn when they assume everyone is on the playa, so they can go from camp to camp stealing bicycles and other things. Don't become a victim. These TERRORISTS are not here to take part in the community. They are here to take A PART of the community. If you see someone stealing ART or entering camps while the citizens are not there, confront them. Gather a group around you and remember, there is power in numbers. WE DO NOT WANT THIS ELEMENT IN OUR FAIR CITY. Remain vigilant and be on the lookout for thieves. They are the lowest form of scum and they threaten our community more than any other TERRORIST.

You have the power to defeat them.

The Burning Man Department of HomeLand Security is devoted to the task of keeping your post apocalyptic holiday safe from the terror of TERRORISM. We have conducted studies of our citizens and compiled a list of precautions all citizens can take to survive a TERRORIST ATTACK!

For starters,

  • Make sure you have plenty of water on hand. In the event of a TERRORIST ATTACK! Water may be in short supply. We recommend a gallon a day for every citizen in Black Rock City.

  • Shelter is essential in case of TERRORIST ATTACK! Make sure your autonomous structures are stable and can withstand winds in excess of 70 MPH. you never know when the TERRORISTS will whip up something god-awful.

  • Batteries and power sources. In the event of a TERRORIST ATTACK! there will be no power on this desolate prehistoric desert lake bed. A generator, thoughtfully enclosed in a foil to prevent noise that may bother your neighbors and make them report you to us, is recommended. Solar is better. There's nothing better for power than solar in a post apocalyptic world.
We Wish you a SAFE and HAPPY BURN!

Remember these pointers and don't be afraid to turn in your neighbor if you feel they are planning an ACT OF TERRORISM. We live in dangerous times and communities like Black Rock City must do our part to stem the flow of TERRORISM. And remember, Always Vote Republican if you don't want to have your city NUKED when George Dubya's Administration is threatened with hearings over criminal activities the Liberal DEMON-CRATS make up.

THE OFFICE OF HOMELAND SECURITY

To Protect, Detect and Imprison
(without Legal Representation when appropriate)
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